January 13, 2009

Change = Growth

I have come to realise that I have to make choices. Either I go for something or I do not. These choices may be judged, and criticised by the crowds. Or that may just come to be an expression of a single being. I just know I need to keep the Lord in this picture. Is it something that He would like to see me do? And losing a parent close to me, always telling me it is not what people say is right or wrong. But what the Lord has put out in His word for us. The Bible. Theologists and academics debate these matters of spiritual insight as though they where gods themselves. Yet I feel the mere plainness of faith is something not found in the hearts of these men. Thus I believe and have a simple yet magnificent faith in the Lord, as he has shown me things undebateable. I have experienced him in my life, and wish so for everyone. But it is a personal journey each one has to undertake.

September 13, 2008

Why I have Faith?

At the beginning of this year I made a move. To a new town, new work, new people, new almost everything. It all just seemed good, and I felt it was the right move to make. And now for the but that you have been waiting for!

I did it for the wrong reasons. I did it for money, for possessions, to see if I can become more in myself. OK, you might say there is nothing wrong with that. One has to advance in life, go up the food chain. But, I grew up in a Christian home. I went through a phase in which I was a bit of a rebellion, yet nothing to serious as I have heard worse stories than mine. Yet, during this rebellion stage of mine I carried on believing, having Faith somehow. As time went by, I grew out of this rebellion, and went back to going to Church, and believing in the Lord Jesus, praying, etc. I somehow felt like I was moving through a patch in my life where I was stuck in a desert. It was so hard to move forward, and gain perspective regarding my social/spiritual life. So I decided to live on my own, go to work every day, and not mix with the crowds to much to try find a balance. You could say I physically put myself in a desert of some form. Then I saw some people from my church, who has so to say "fallen out" years earlier. They came back, and wanted to worship the Lord Jesus on this platform again. I was amazed, and thought that takes some guts! So I was very open and friendly to them. Over a period of a year we became very good friends. And without knowing it, I found a little oasis in my desert. To cut a long story short, I failed to see the snake behind the bush. So years went by, I advanced in my career, and lived every day to the full. Praying to the Lord, being a model for others in a way. Then I slowly started to fall back into old habits, or should I say, discovering new habits that was the downfall of everything. I started going out to parties, at first innocent, enjoying the music and the hustle of people around. Then I fell into a pit, now some of you who know me very well will know what this was. For you who don`t know, put it this way, it was things that would be the cause of me going to hell. Just to make it clear, it was not drugs or alcohol or weed. It`s more a matter concerning the soul. But, during the beginning phases it seemed innocent and harmless, I mean, that`s who I was. But as time went on, I found myself moving deeper into these circles. Yet, I realised it was wrong, and I should get out. I went on, it became addictive, and the boost it gave my self esteem was just to great to let it go. Now I was standing between two worlds, knowing my faith does not allow for this, yet my body craving for this boost every day. Because of what I know, I started to fight this thing, some days finding the battle ground to be bloody. Sometimes winning, sometimes loosing. This went on for a good four years, even up to the beginning of this year, carring itself over like bad dept into my new financial year.

My new life in Durban was thus once more the same as it has been for the past four years. Caught up in the same problems. During the process of my transition to Durban, I hurt many a good friend, almost betraying them for my own will and happiness. A few months, say about two. I realised what I was doing, and the lifestyle I was living. Then I came to the conclusion it has to end. I made drastically changes, and broke away completely from all of that I was consumed by. And today it feels like I have come through the desert into a forest, carrying with me scars to remind me of times in the past. Even though some of them aren`t heeled yet, I have come into a new phase of my life, and believing in the Lord Jesus has just made me stronger, and knowing his hand is in every situations outcome. I have found that I have Faith to carry on, and overcome, even if it is hard sometimes.